Bundesvision 2010: Schleswig-Holstein

Stanfour: Sail On

I don't know if it was Styx that did it first, but they may have been the ones who were the most notorious for using the sailing metaphor in a pop song. That was back in 1978. Today it's 2010, and that same threadbare metaphor is still being used in Stanfour's Sail On. Can I make a suggestion? How about from this day forward, all musicians around the world make a solemn blood oath to never use sailing as a metaphor for love (unless they're singing about literally getting on a boat and going somewhere), never sing about a "fire burning inside" (another metaphor Stanfour uses in Sail On), and never sing that you're "gettin' down on my knees to pray" (when it isn't a religious song, and you're not actually praying to any particular god, but rather just hoping that the object of your affection listens to your song and agrees to hook up with you)(Sail On doesn't use this cliche, but it should be abolished anyway).

"But Peter," I hear my imaginary readers saying, "That's just the title of the song, oh, and most of the lyrics. What about the rest of the song?" A fair question. The short answer is that the rest of the song is just as embarrassingly cliched. The long answer is that, in order to make what was originally a cliched pop ballad into a contender for Bundesvision, certain changes had to be made that transformed Sail On from being passable Top-40 radio filler to being a musical Frankenstein's monster, with all of the subtlety and grace of the monster but none of the emotional complexity. First, the original album version of the song was entirely in English. Unfortunately, as all Bundesvision entries must be at least partially in German, this had to be changed. So, they did what any self-respecting band would do: they added a completely out of place German "rap" to the beginning and end of the song. Second, in order to stand out from all the other tepid ballads in Bundesvision this year, Stanfour added a danceable electronic back beat to appeal to all those kids who like to spend their evenings at the discotheque. Mission accomplished! Bundesvision here we come!!!

Prediction: Stanfour's Sail On has two advantages in this year's Bundesvision. First, Stanfour themselves are young and almost unnaturally good looking. Second, Sail On will no doubt appeal to the many people out there with the bodies of young adults and the emotional depth of a slightly under-ripe melon. But to be honest, I doubt that will make up for the fact that Sail On is just too damn precious for its own good. Stanfour, meet the Bundesvision basement.